Some great Homer Simpson quotes: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. ----- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ----- It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ----- Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ----- Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ----- Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ----- Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ----- Operator! Give me the number for 911! ----- Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! ----- Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. step step step step step...slam) ----- Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! ----- Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ----- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ----- Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ----- Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. ----- Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. ----- Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ----- Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... ----- praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch). ----- Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him! Marge: You didn't vote for anybody. Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical. ----- What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway