College Entrance Exam - Football Player Version - Time Limit: 3 Weeks 1.What language is spoken in France? 2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4.What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8.What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9.Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton Bush: Carter: Clinton: 10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11.Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13.What are coat hangers used for? 14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16.Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17.Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. Name: *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify A squirrel is just a rat with good P.R. The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "i souport publik edekasion "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep" "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." "I Brake For No Apparent Reason." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "No Radio - Already Stolen" "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges." "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!" "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!" "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. " "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist." "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have." "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?" "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles." "I is a college student." "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself." "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?" Help, I've fallen and I can't....Hey, nice carpet! Toad: what happens to an illegally parked frog. BECAUSE WE ARE MEN If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. Guillotine operator wanted. Chance to get ahead. NOBODY'S FRIEND My name is gossip. I have no respect for justice. I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives. I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age. The more I am quoted the more I am believed. I flourish at every level of society. My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face. To track me down is impossible The harder you try, the more elusive I become. I am nobody's friend. Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same. I topple governments and ruin marriages. I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartache and indigestion. I spawn suspicion snd generate grief. I make innocent people cry in their pillows. Even my name hisses. I AM CALLED GOSSIP. Office gossip. Shop gossip. Party gossip. Telephone gossip. I make headlines and headaches. Before you repeat a story, ask yourself, IS IT TRUE? IS IT FAIR? IS IT NECESSARY? Standards are wonderful - there are so many to choose from. HILLBILLY MEDICAL DICTIONARY VOL.# 1 1. ARTERY: THE STUDY OF FINE PAINTINGS 2. BARIUM: WHAT YOU DO WHEN CPR FAILS 3. BENIGN: WHAT YOU ARE AFTER 8 YEARS OLD AND BEFORE 10 4. CESAREAN SECTION: A DISTRICT IN ROME. 5.COLIC: A SHEEPDOG 6. COMA: A PUNCTUATION MARK 7. CONGENITAL: FRIENDLY 8. DELATE: TO LIVE LONG 9. G.I. SERIES: BASEBALL GAME BETWEEN TEAMS OF SOLDIERS 10. HANGNAIL: A COAT HOOK 11.MEDICAL STAFF: A DOCTORS CANE. 12. MINOR OPERATION: COAL DIGGIN 13. MORBID: THE HIGHEST BID. 14. NITRATE: LOWER THAN THE DAY RATE. 15.NODE: Being AWARE OF 16.ORGANIC: ORGAN REPAIRMAN 17. OUTPATIENT: A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED 18. POST-OPERATIVE: A LETTER CARRIER 19. PROTEIN: IN FAVOR OF YOUTHS 20. TABLET: A SMALL TABLE 21. TUMOR: ANOTHER PAIR 22. URINE: OPPOSITE OFYOU'RE OUT ! 23. VARICOSE VEINS: VEINS THAT ARE VERY CLOSE. Dijon vu: the feeling you've tasted that mustard before. A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table. The woman was calm and unruffled After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the front door." Compost! A rind is a terrible thing to waste! Discovery..... Today i smiled, and all at once Things didnt look so bad. Today i share with someone else, A bit of hope i had. Today i sang a little song, And felt my heart grow light, And walked a happy little mile, With not a cloud in sight. Today i worked with what i had And longed for nothing more, And what had seemed like only weeds, Were flowers at my door. Today i loved a little more, Complained a little less, And in the giving of myself, Forgot my weariness. Tactics: breath freshener for dyslexics. ADAM & WOMAN And the Lord said to Adam " It is not good that you should be alone. I will create a woman for you." "What's a 'woman' Lord?" "Woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I will ever created. She will be so intelligent that she will figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood what to do to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." After a moment of deep thought Adam asks, "Uh, what would I get for a rib?" Smith & Wesson: the original "point and click" interface Some Friends Stay Forever Near Our Hearts As we walk our path of life, We meet people every day, Most are simply met by chance, But some are sent our way. These become the special friends Whose bond we can't explain The ones who understand us And share our joy and pain. Their love contains no boundaries, So even when apart, Their presence embraces us With a warmth felt in the heart. This love becomes a passageway Where even the miles disappear. And so these friends God sends our way Remain forever near. So easy to use a child can do it. Child sold separately. Top 16 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station 1. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy..." 2. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking about, Comrade Dave." 3. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile High" club. 4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver. 5. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops. 6. Mission Control asks if you can "beam down immediately." 7. Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as "Spam in a can." 8. No more Stoli. 9. That's one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side. 10. The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on all Mir Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms. 11. The Soviets announce the space station has a mild cold. 12. The Super Glue is gone and you're down to one roll of duct tape. 13. They've already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in "Apollo 13, Part II." 14. You and your comrades realize those weren't "spare" oxygen generator parts you made the still out of. 15. You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff. 16. You translate a Russian message which reads "Jettison the American At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1. Here are some wavs to download.(not edited) Tired of "You've got mail" wav?? MonkeyButt "neener, neener, neener!" Wav file for Snerts GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!- DaffyDuck I liiiiiiiiiike you! DoOkiE dOoKiE DoOkiE Blues Brothers THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes. 4. All monitors display inch-high letters. 5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. 6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard. 8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".) 9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off. (To be continued) If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. What are Preparation A thru Preparation G? What is 1-Up? 2-Up . . . thru 6-Up? Is there a Dr. Salt? These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.