THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE MOVIES... All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and they are always large enough so that you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty and without making much noise. You will emerge relatively grime-and-dust-free. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, act befuddled and let the other person walk away before you clear thing up. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright, wide-eyed and sweaty. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. When in love, it is customary to burst into song and to magically have a musical backing track ready to go. Your date will always admire this and never think you're a total asshole. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man. If you are a hero, you will inevitably get badly wounded but will recover sufficiently within a few days to perform greater feats of agility than you could before you were injured. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river. German bullets are unable to penetrate water. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Don't worry- you'll be able to break their code in no time. If you decide to become a famous spy, your enemy will never simply kill you while you're held captive. Instead he'll set up some elaborate death involving lasers or a lumber mill saw but then he'll leave you alone to die, rather than watch you. This will be your chance to escape. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange accident. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software. Getting on-line to check something always results in an instantaneous connection to the web. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions. Car chases through busy city streets never hit pedestrians. They always tumble or lunge out of the way like gymnists. But you will probably hit a fruitstand. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the upcoming tourist season's business. If you're a woman being chased by a slow-moving monster like a mummy, you will inevitably: a. trip on something b. immediately sustain some type of leg or ankle injury leaving you unable to get up and continue running, and c. will roll over, look horrified, put your arms up by your head, scream and wait to be killed. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment, and if you're not in the room, someone will tell you to come quick, and the story will start just as you get there. The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job, after lecturing him about his being a "renegade" and "not following the rules" or "playing the game." (A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.) During all police investigations, regardless of the crime involved, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. You will always find a place to park directly outside the building you are visiting, especially if you are in a hurry. It will never be at a metered space. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare and have the tip included.. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Hitting a person over the head (especially from behind) will always result in instant unconciousness from one blow, but they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. They'll eventually wake up, rub their head and wince. There will be little if any blood. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Most dogs are immortal, although you will think they've been killed at some point. They'll show up eventually to cheer you up when you're sad. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home and telling of your plans to be married when you return. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though some emergency will arise and their husband and children never have time to eat it. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations, and the person you want will always be there to pick up within 1 or 2 rings. Despite having passionately ripped off her clothes as they began to make love, women always get out of bed afterwards wearing a t-shirt and panties.