THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH:

  "We need" = I want
  "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
  "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
  "We need to talk" = I need to complain
  "Sure... go ahead" = Do it and die, pal
  "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! and you better notice
  "You're ... so manly" = You need a shave and you smell funky
  "You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
  "I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!" = I'm on my period
  "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have too much cellulite
  "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
  "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
  "I need new shoes" = the other 40 pairs don't match this new outfit
  "Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it over there! no wait...
  "I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
  "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
  "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
       going to like
  "I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
       on T.V.
  "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful (this is NOT the moment for
       truth)
  "You need to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
  "Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
  "Yes" = No
  "No" = No
  "Maybe" = No
  "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
  "Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
       to it
  "Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
       he goes to sleep
  "I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
  "All we're going to buy is a soap dish" = It goes without saying that
       we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department,
       I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would
       look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

  THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?":
   "The same old thing" = Nothing
   "Nothing" = Everything
   "Everything" = My PMS is acting up
   "Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such a pain the butt
   "I don't want to talk about it" = You better beg me to talk about it now
   "I don't want to talk about it right now" = Go away, I'm still building
        up steam



                THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH:

  "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
  "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
  "I'm tired" = I'm tired
  "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
        you
   "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
        you
   "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
   "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
   "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
   "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
   "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
        of this
   "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
        are you going through now?
   "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
   "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
   "I love you" = Let's have sex now
   "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
   "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
   "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that
        much different!
   "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
        person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
   "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
        with other guys
   "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
       let's go home!