Published Friday, April 25, 1997, in the Miami Herald

	     Great night for Miami, but let's avoid calling the Orlandoids
             names

             I really don't want to get into it with the Orlandoids.

             There have been far too many harsh words between Orlando and
             Miami. There's a natural rivalry between these two Florida
             cities, both of which have so much to be proud of:

             + Miami has the ocean, the beaches, the spectacular skyline,
             the gorgeous supermodels, the vibrant nightlife and the
             cosmopolitan sophistication that comes from an astounding
             level of cultural diversity.

             + Orlando has seven Waffle Houses.

             Also, of course, both cities have pro basketball teams: Miami
             has the Heat, and Orlando has the Fighting Theme Parks. These
             teams are now facing each other in the first round of the
             playoffs, hoping to advance to every NBA team's ultimate goal:
             getting stomped by the Bulls.

             Over the years, the Miami-Orlando basketball rivalry has
             produced some bad blood and nasty words. And while I certainly
             would never point the finger of blame at any one side, this is
             totally the fault of Orlando, especially the Theme Parks'
             executive vice president, Pat Williams, who has spent years
             making petty, cheap-shot comments about Miami in a transparent
             attempt to compensate for the fact that his eyes are way too
             close together.

             I was sincerely hoping that we could avoid the ugly
             ``trash-talking'' this time around, which is why on Wednesday
             I personally called Pat in his Orlando office and begged him
             to control himself.

             ``Pat,'' I said, ``Can't we all just get along?''

             Here's how he responded:

             + ``The Miami neighborhoods aren't so bad. I feel perfectly
             safe there, walking my pet python.'' (Rim shot.)

             + ``Last time we went to Miami, one of our players broke his
             nose in four places. Needless to say, this time he's going to
             stay out of those places.'' (Rim shot.)

             Vicious remarks like this continued to spew from the receiver
             even as I hung up on Pat, who by the way is available for
             weddings and bar mitzvahs. Pat's behavior is very typical of
             the Orlandoids, who have developed an inferiority complex from
             living in a city where the highest form of intellectual
             achievement is to be able to name all seven dwarfs. So they
             lash out at the citizens of Miami; they say we're rude and
             crazy and violent people who shoot at each other in traffic.
             This is just so unfair. Anybody who lives in Miami -- who has
             taken the time to become familiar with the ordinary people who
             really make up this vital community -- knows that we sometimes
             also ram each other in traffic, to conserve ammunition.

             But we'd still rather be here than Orlando. Our feelings can
             be summed up by the old Miami expression: ``Better to get shot
             for cutting somebody off on the Palmetto Expressway than to
             die of heat stroke while standing in line for three hours in
             the blazing sun with 350,000 bulbous, sweating, B.O.-radiating
             tourists from Ohio waiting to get into some over-hyped Disney
             attraction with a name like `The Amazing World of Yeast.' ''

             But as I say, we don't want this to degenerate into some kind
             of childish name-calling contest between the fine people of
             Miami and the Slurpee-bloated yokels of Orlando. This is a
             sporting event, and it should be settled between the two
             teams, which by the way played Thursday night at the Miami
             Arena. These were the key factors in the game:

             + Team-leader nicknames:

             The Heat have ``Zo,'' which is a good nickname. The Theme
             Parks have ``Penny,'' which is also a good nickname, assuming
             you're talking about Barbie's best friend.

             + Coaches:

             The Heat have Pat Riley. The Theme Parks have (temporarily,
             anyway) somebody named ``Richie Adubato.'' The previous coach,
             Brian Hill, was essentially fired in midseason by the players,
             who deliberately sabotaged him via such tactics as shooting at
             the wrong basket and playing in full scuba gear.

             + Famous celebrities:

             The Heat had Matt Dillon and Kevin Bacon. The Theme Parks had
             ``Richie Adubato.''

             + Hair:

             The Theme Parks have Rony Seikaly, who is apparently getting
             his hair styled by the International House of Seaweed.

             So the key factors definitely favored the Heat, especially
             when you add in the factor of which team kicked the other
             team's butt all the way out of the building. It was a great
             night for Miami, but I hope you Heat fans, even in victory,
             will show some restraint and class. Take the high road. Resist
             the urge to gloat and make fun of the poor, unfortunate
             Orlando fans. And if you must make fun of them, please, for
             their sake, use small words.

                           Copyright © 1997 The Miami Herald